BUY Personal Effects: Dark Art NOW.

My good friend, podcasting and social media innovator and cheery ball of sunshine – J.C. Hutchins has just launched his latest psychological thriller/awesome novel – Personal Effects: Dark Art. Now, if you haven’t already heard J.C. Hutchins’ amazing podcast novel trilogy –  7th Son and have been living under a rock the past couple years, you may not know why YOU MUST BUY THIS BOOK. So I, as one of those people you can trust to tell you why you should always make the right decision (like switching from your PC to a Mac), will give you the top ten reasons you should buy Personal Effects: Dark Art.

#10. J.C. Hutchins loves baby bunnies.

Despite the nail-biting, page turning, grip you by the throat and drag you off into the darkest parts of the human mind story that IS Personal Effects: Dark Art, J.C. Hutchins is a lovable, fluffy, sweet soul of a man who gives freely of his time, energy and creative spirit. Even though his characters may do terrible, horrible, unspeakable things – J.C. Hutchins is a man who bathes daily in the sweet aroma of life itself. He tried being evil once, but then he was awesome instead. True story.

#9. Personal Effects: Dark Art is a Country Song in Reverse*.

If you buy a copy you will not only get your pickup truck back, you’ll also gain the love of your life back in an impressive lazer light show/compeition that will culminate in Sir Elton John singing that one song you never remember he wrote. Because of the amount of sanity that J.C. Hutchins robs from his characters you also get incredible amounts of your own sanity back, plus some to spare. It’s crazy amounts of sanity, enough to go around if you decide to buy more than one copy of Personal Effects: Dark Art. *Results not typical.

#8. Sparkly Vampires Are Impressed by Personal Effects: Dark Art

Now, sparkly vampires are extremely hard to please, simply because of their androgynous good looks makes them impervious to anything that isn’t “standing around and looking pensive”. Yet, J.C. Hutchins was able to tempt some of these teen-age-heart-throbs away from complaining about the torture of being young, beautiful, rich and sexless with his masterful use of unique storytelling, compelling plots and large type face (you know, because vampires can’t have bad vision, it’s so un-awesome). Hungry for something to read after finishing their own saga (as penned by Stephanie Meyer) the yawn-squad decided to pick up their own copies of Personal Effects: Dark Art. The tallest, most pouty of the vampires was overheard saying, “why can’t we be as half as cool as that J.C. character?”

#7. Because Personal Effects: Dark Art is What Your Mother Should Have Read You at Bed Time.

Forget the inspiring stories of men and women who faced impossible odds to reach their goals. Forget the story of the princess in the tower with the heroic prince riding in to save the day. Your mother should have read Personal Effects: Dark Art when tucking you in for the long, cold winter’s night. Why? Because it would have bred your imagination with the twisted fantasies of a mental health facility that can rival the horrors of that time you saw your uncle in the shower. If you had been read such stories at bedtime you too could be pulling extensive hours on your therapist’s couch, which you may have noticed matches your living room decor. All of this pain and suffering could lead to the crown jewel of your living room. If only.

#6 The Power of Lap Kitty Compels You.

Keyboard Cat, the usurper of award shows (such as MTV and the Tony’s), has nothing on the extreme epic force that is Lap Kitty, J.C. Hutchins’ cat and owner. Now, Lap Kitty is not to be triffled with. His desire is to see his life made even more comfortable by the pennies upon pennies J.C. Hutchins gets from each book that has been bought. If you do not buy at least five copies Lap Kitty will pop up, unannounced and unheralded, in the most embarrassing time possible. Much like a blind serial killer, you will be left with the paradox of how can something so cute be so evil.

#5 There’s Nothing Good on TV Anyways.

It is the summer, there’s nothing to watch on TV, other than those reality shows that make you feel guiltiy for watching. So instead of having to pop into your nearest confessional booth and confess your love for the antics of Speidi, or who is going to break up the Huffmans, or what color Ty is going to use in the master bedroom; enjoy all forms of media in one experience. Read the book, pick up the clues on websites, phone lines and the bottom of your shoe. Bonus points for me if you just looked at the bottom of your shoe to see if it had a clue. Give your thirsty imagination the well-deserved dousing of amazingness that is Personal Effects: Dark Art. Your imagination will thank you for it.

#4 It’s the Economy Stupid – Give Bailout Money to those Who Deserve it.

We all know that there’s not a lot of money left in our wallets or our nation. Yet the fine folks of AIG, GM and other big business failures have been handed thousands of your (American’s) tax payers dollars. And is that really fair? Of course not! So why not give your hard earned dollars to someone who actually deserves it? J.C. Hutchins has toiled and worked and tweeted and blogged and emailed his way to the top of the proverbial podcast pile. Enough so that he got a book deal by giving away hours of entertainment for free. The least you can do is shell out the $20ish required to own your own piece of new media history. You may be saying “whoa $20ish dollars is a lot!” But consider this – that’s about the amount of money required to go out to dinner twice (or once if you’ve got a spouse). You can give up a meal for a good cause or at least a pretty darn good cause.

#3 Books are the new cool.

So many folks are going around carting iPhones, iPods, Crackberries and Blueberries that it’s just commonplace. What shall fill this vacuum? Something that is not common place anymore – books. Like a whiney protest song from the sixties or a 1940’s fedora – books are coming back with a force that makes hipsters want to cry. To be stylish, fabulous and trendy you must have a book tucked under your arm and it must say Personal Effects: Dark Art on the cover. Why? Because I blogged about it (which was trendy, now is not trendy, so I’m waiting for the swing back to trendy).  Btw, you may not write Personal Effects: Dark Art on the cover with a sharpie – no one likes a knock-off. I’m talking to you Cliss.

#2 If J.C. Hutchins sells 6 trillion copies of Personal Effects: Dark Art He’ll Find Osama Bin Ladin.

While most of the world with their ADD attention span has forgotten 9/11 and finding Osama, J.C. Hutchins has not. He’s so dedicated to it he also remembers 9/8, 9/20 and 9/31 for good measure. If he sells that many copies of Personal Effects: Dark Art he will start a private, military-esque style campaign that will not only seek and imprision Osama Bin Ladin, but also cover him with kisses and chocolate hearts (that way J.C. Hutchins can pander to both the liberal and conservative crowds). Given his extensive military expertise (he wrote about it… once), J.C. Hutchins is the perfect man for the job. If only you would have bought a copy of Personal Effects: Dark Art sooner, terrorism might be at it’s end.

(Disclaimer: J.C. Hutchins only really promises to devote about 6 seconds on a Google search where he types in the words “Where is Osama bin Ladin” before he gets distracted by something shiny on Twitter).

#1 Because Tabz said so.

Since this blog is read by more than just the members of the Cult of Tabz, let me break it down into a list for you:

1) I’ve spent seven years in  Chicago.  I’ve got “friends” on the North Side who can…. “deal with people” who don’t do as Tabz says.

2) My awesome quota is so large that the Oxford English Dictionary is considering retiring the word due to it’s lack of adequatness to explain how awesome I really am.

3) I have a cult. No, really. Just ask on Twitter.

4) I have minions. Now, you may be one of those confused people who think this is the same as #3 but there are levels of influence I have on various groups of people. The combined force of the cult and the minions is not to be reckoned with.

5) Everyone knows Tabz. Even if you don’t think you know Tabz, you do. That’s how awesome I am (refer to #2).

So to sum it all up for those of you with lower reading comprehension levels.

Go.

Buy.

Personal Effects: Dark Art